Whether it’s a person, ministry, or organization, love bombing can be a tactic used to control others.
Love bombing is a form of toxic manipulation.
The telltale signs of love bombing are:
Overwhelmingly generous displays of affection early in a relationship
Excessive attention, texts, calls, praise, and/or flattery early in a relationship
When a new relationship of any kind—whether it’s a “friend,” ministry, or organization—showers with anything excessive: attention, gifts, acts of service, acts of kindness, praise, flattery, and the like early in the relationship; it establishes an emotional attachment. . .and if one takes the bait. . .control.
Initially, it may feel like a fairytale—one is put on a pedestal and made to feel special.
It may feel too good to be true.
But underneath all of the gift-giving, generosity, and flattery is an unstated sense of obligation to that particular person, ministry, or organization.
Then, there’s pressure—whether it’s subconscious or conscious—to rush into commitment.
And once one’s affection is firmly secured, the toxic person, ministry, or organization may no longer chase or desire the victim. . .even though the victim is now committed to the relationship.
In fact, the toxic relationship may even withhold the initial affection in order to further control the victim.
Thankfully, if one is able to recognize love bombing and consequently, set healthy boundaries; the toxic person, ministry, or organization may abruptly ghost the victim and move on.
A healthy person, ministry, or organization grows genuine, caring relationships slowly over time.
Boundaries are respected, and one is encouraged to also develop other interests and relationships outside of the person or group.
Examples of love bombing are:
A person may shower a new friend with flattering compliments and pay for the meal on a first get-together; followed by numerous and ongoing texts of flattery and praise.
A campus ministry may offer to help new students move into their dorm rooms—or throw a free pizza party for new and possibly lonely students arriving on campus.
A church may bombard guests with free gifts, or a special lunch date with pastoral staff; with the intent of baiting newcomers eager for community.
All of these acts of kindness have three things in common: they are overly friendly; they are overwhelmingly generous; and they are rushed.
There are no free lunches; there are always strings attached.
Here’s what to do if you feel you are being love bombed:
Say no. . .and observe the reaction. A healthy person or ministry will adapt; a toxic person or organization will push back.
Don’t give up anything in order to accommodate a new relationship.
If they are not willing to proceed at a speed that’s comfortable for you, move on.
If you sense any red flags, take your intuition seriously. If you are unsure, ask a trusted friend, parent, or counselor. It’s much simpler not to become entangled in toxic relationships than to untangle after it’s too late.
If you are a new college student, a healthy campus ministry or organization will encourage healthy boundaries. They won’t expect exclusive loyalty. And it’s okay to walk away without guilt or coercion.
Whereas, a cult will initially be overwhelmingly generous and rush the relationship. Over time, they will demand absolute loyalty to them only. They will also manipulate through fear, shame, excessive rules, regulations, and in extreme cases, sleep deprivation. If you ask questions, it’s betrayal to them. A healthy ministry will welcome questions and reasonable debate.
Post high school programs and campus ministries should always be safe.
If you feel as if you are being love bombed, most likely, you are. . .run the other way!
No gift; or special attention; or act of kindness; or flattering words are worth being trapped in a toxic relationship or cult.
Emily Boller, wife, mother, painter, and author is on a mission to create expressive works of art in her lifetime; and to bring awareness to the potentially harmful traps of diet-wellness culture. In her free time, she loves to chase skyscapes, grow flowers and vegetables, and can homemade soups.