[Context: I was put on my first weight loss diet at age six.]
I’ll share screenshots of a note I wrote to my mother two years later. (I slightly edited it since the spelling was that of a second or third grader.)
“I know there’s a lot of things I got to work at; but especially, there’s one: eating. Now I don’t want you to say a lot to me, because I hate it. I think I can work on it on my own. Don’t say anything to anybody or I won’t do it (diet to lose weight); and don’t keep on getting after me (scolding me) because I’m doing it on my own. (Remember) or I won’t do it. Love, fatt so”
I’m not a child psychologist, but it doesn’t take a degree in psychology to understand this child was fed up with the pressure to lose weight.
A quick AI search summarizes it this way:
“Narcissistic mothers frequently push weight loss, dieting, and specific body standards on their children. They often view their children’s bodies as extensions of their own, using them as a reflection of their own status, success, or insecurities. It’s a form of control often driven by the mother’s own deeply ingrained insecurities or her desire to have a “perfect” image to present to the world.
Narcissistic mothers project their own fear of being overweight onto their children.
These children report intense and constant criticism regarding their eating habits and size, often at a very young age. They are put on diets or forced to exercise. These actions cause significant emotional damage.
The result of this behavior is children develop an intense focus on their body image and may struggle with disordered eating as a way to cope or earn their mother’s approval.”
It’s taken me nearly six decades of trial and error, counseling, therapy, and much healing in order to overcome the deeply ingrained message that something was inherently wrong with me if I wasn’t an “ideal size.”
If you are a parent, and you are constantly dieting, know that it can adversely affect your children.
When I started dieting “to get my health back” in my late forties, I still had children living at home. They witnessed my obsession to be thin and healthy. (In diet culture, thinness equates health, which has been proven false by multitudes of physicians and researchers who work in the disordered eating field.) I’m most certain I projected the fear of being unhealthy onto my children—because it was being projected onto me throughout those years. I feared getting chronic diseases more than anything, and I incorrectly believed reaching an ideal weight was the magic ticket to a disease-free life. (When my thin and fit friends started dying of cancer, I began questioning the narrative I’d been brainwashed to believe.)
As parents, we need to be mindfully aware of the messages we are projecting onto our children.
If we are not careful, it can evolve into a form of narcissistic abuse.
Katja Rowell, M.D. has worked in child feeding for fifteen years. She teaches the importance of responsive feeding and therapies. Check out her website “The Feeding Doctor” for helpful tips.
Emily Boller, wife, mother, painter, and author is on a mission to create expressive works of art in her lifetime; and to bring awareness to the potentially harmful traps of diet-wellness culture. In her free time, she loves to chase sunrises, grow flowers and vegetables, and can homemade soups.